At the beginning of this year, Life threw me a curve-ball…no, a meteor. I received news that my father unexpectedly passed away. No warning, no good reason (he was in good health), just you know… that’s it. I flew home in a daze on an 18 hour flight, and within hours of landing was attending his funeral and performing the last rites.
When I finally returned home after being with my mother and family for a while, well it’s been a struggle. I came home feeling like I was walking into someone else’s life. Life has been turned upside down for me and the new “normal” doesn’t feel very normal as yet. Things are different – I still wake up at nights with images and memories and that’s probably going to take a while before it goes away. And it’s having its effect on my piano playing too.
Interestingly, I can’t play any of my old repertoire anymore. My brain just says NOPE. I can’t memorise new pieces either – yet another NO from my brain. So it’s a craptastic issue really for me. I hope my ability to play comes back soon because frankly, if I’m a pianist and can’t play I’m going to need to consider another profession. But I’m sure it’ll come back sooner or later. Preferably sooner.
Despite the choas that I’m having to deal with, certain parts of my life are coming back to make me feel more myself. I picked up an old piece from three years ago that I began but never finished …. so atleast I’m being able to play something. I took apart my old computer and rebuilt a new one, and finally logged into a game. I ran around on my gnome and lalafell a bit. I opened up twitter and sent my first tweet and who knows how long now. And here I am, blogging for the first in the last few months.
I’m currently spending more in Final Fantasy XIV than WoW at the moment, but I haven’t forgotten about my gnomish allegiance. I’m still looking forward to gnome hunters even though nothing in WoW is really making me want to play at the moment. And meanwhile in Final Fantasy XIV, I’m catching up with story time and everything else that I’ve missed doing this whole time.
For a while when I got back, I wasn’t sure if I would be playing or blogging again. A part of me looked at everything before it all went to hell and felt like just walking away from everything I used to do. But, it’s nice for me to know that ultimately I returned to doing something I love and enjoy… even if it takes time.
Gaming and blogging are a part of who I am and I’m glad. I am the eccentric pianist, the reluctant cook, the overly-analytical-and-often-feisty blogger, the eternal tinkering magic-loving gnome, the shiny-loving lalafell who enjoys blowing things up. It’s a wonderful life.
(Cross-posted on my WoW blog: healsnheels.wordpress.com)
July 17, 2016 at 11:09 am
I’m very sorry to hear of your sudden loss. My father just had his first stroke this past weekend, and I also went through a different “loss” this past year with a divorce I didn’t want. Emotions are very tricky to handle after these things, and it almost feels like being drunk and out of control at times, where your emotions completely hijack your life. Blogging and sharing my thoughts was definitely therapeutic for me, and I hope that you have loved ones who can support you on your emotional recovery.
I recently was recommended an anime by a friend called, 四月は君の嘘, or Your Lie In April. It’s about a young pianist who lost his ability to play after his mother’s passing. It’s a very touching series that deals a lot with the subject of coping with loss. Maybe it hits a bit too close to home, but your situation reminded me so much of this. I would normally say, “You should watch this,” but I will leave that up to you.
I wish you the best, and if you ever need a casual leveling partner for your alt, hit me up on Twitter @elliasws. 😉
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July 18, 2016 at 8:50 am
I sent you a DM over twitter but just wanted to say thank you really quick – you’re message really made my day. I’m sorry you had to go through a tough time yourself with the divorce and everything. 😦
Wish you the best too – I’ll hit you up for gaming fun sometime! 🙂
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